The expert Daniil Khlomov, a psychotherapist, director of the Moscow Gestalt Institute, President of the Association of Practical Psychologists, a member of the International Association of Group Psychotherapy, told us about the modern role of grandfather. And also - the father of five children and the grandfather of seven grandchildren: “The appearance of grandchildren for a man is a kind of vacation. Now the children must fight with their children. And the grandfather can sometimes threaten, but basically he is not at the forefront. And this is a very good feeling. The most valuable moment is when you manage to find a common language with your grandchildren, through a game or a common lesson, even through being in one space. These are always small episodes, because parents spend more time with their children than their grandfather. But these episodes are very important and always enjoyable. And it’s better not to delay anything pleasant so that there is no substitution. ”
Of course, today's role of grandfather is highly dependent on a particular family and on himself. Here, his involvement in common affairs takes place - participation in daily life, upbringing of grandchildren, and his awareness of his significance for younger generations. After all, there are very responsible grandfathers: they not only instruct grandchildren, but also share interests and hobbies with them. Whatever grandson dreams of a grandfather who goes fishing with him and takes a bike ride!
There are grandfathers, so to speak, detached, who prefer to watch the growth of grandchildren from the outside, without taking an active part in this. But the presence of such a grandfather in the life of a child is still better than his absence. After all, when it’s not only the parents who are facing the baby’s eyes, he will easily learn a variety of social roles and gain invaluable experience.
For many, this moment is very exciting - awareness of age, the acquisition of a new social status, the development of an unusual role. How does it feel to be a grandfather? This is actually great! Indeed, all the charm of grandfather is that he is not burdened with responsibility for children as much as his parents. That is why we all notice some ease of communication - even if grandfather is angry, we understand that this is not so scary. Sooner or later, this man feels this lightness, and his grandchildren appear.
Another important question that helps to get used to a new role is what kind of grandfather do I want to be? Grandfathers, as well as grandmothers, often try to give their grandchildren something that they believe they have not given to their children, or to correct the shortcomings of their upbringing. This is not always effective and not always correct. Many people decide not to correct their own and others' pedagogical mistakes, but simply enjoy communicating with the kids. Grandchildren always accept such communication with a bang.
Happy are those parents whose children have grandfathers. They can be entrusted to the younger, when there is a lot of work, when you want to relax, or just be calm, that in the company of an adult and experienced man, the grandson will be protected from external dangers. It is important to maintain a balance in the relationship.
Of course, grandfather can help parents when they spend time with their grandchildren, when they instill in them some cultural and social norms, and not in instruction, but in some kind of advisory form. But he should not be the main in these respects. And in this, too, his help is not to interfere in the education itself. And what he can give his grandchildren depends on himself.
There are situations when for some reason the father is absent in the family. Grandfather will not be able to fully take his place, because the relationship between mom and dad is important here. But grandfather can take on the function of control and the establishment of certain boundaries. In her absence, behavioral problems occur in children, which are often told by single mothers. Therefore, it is better for grandfather to help mom and child by taking on some of the functions of the pope, rather than being just grandfather. In other cases, these roles cannot be mixed.
Men learn to be grandfather by the examples of their grandfathers, and if by the will of fate they did not find them, then there are always role models in other elders. We all tend to search for mentors and role models. Any new experience encourages us to seek support from those who have already experienced it. So it turns out a variety of grandfathers who are grunted, whether good advice, joint activities, or just sincere conversations are remembered for a lifetime.
Grandmother next to grandfather ...
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Parenting stereotypes: were our grandmothers right?
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Grandfather's tales are better than the Internet and TV
Many old people are unhappily depressed - nothing interesting has happened in their entire lives, which is why they only talk about how they went to the store or why Gorbachev should not have been appointed President of the USSR.
The grandfather I lived with is the exact opposite. Before retirement, he was a musician, traveled with various orchestras throughout the Union and saw everything. Thanks to his phenomenal memory, he daily gave me a portion of excellent tales. For example, once he drank vodka in a park with his brother, the Chuvash cosmonaut Andriyan Nikolaev, after which they fled from a police patrol. Or another case, when on vacation in the Crimea he threw the subject Vladimir Etush through the fence, but did not calculate the distance and the great actor crashed into the bushes from a height of two meters.
Perhaps he was not always true, but the amount of detail abounded in his stories makes me think that this is all true.
Living with grandfather - waking up early
Everyone knows that the old people have a very sensitive dream, and they always get up with the first roosters. The body of an elderly person does not need more - often people after eighty years sleep for six hours at a time, and this is if they do not get sick.
The grandfather I lived with suffered from intestinal upset - the consequences of a stormy youth spent in intemperance from strong alcohol and junk food, so he got up at about five in the morning. I had to get up with him, too, because sleeping under the roar of a toilet seat, the sound of water and constant fermentation from the bathroom to the toilet was impossible. At the same time, he swore quietly, but the acoustics in the apartment pretended to cover everything in the world with good obscene material above my ear.
A few months later I got used to it and turned it to my advantage - I began to go to bed earlier and wake up early. It turned out that if you get up not in the lunch area, for some reason you manage to do all the urgent things, and the day becomes as if longer. Many years have passed since then, and I still try to adhere to this regime. Thus, in the matter of discipline, life with my grandfather replaced military service. And, I note, no hazing. Badumts!
Non-Drinking Grandfather - Gold
In our turbulent time, men who have passed over sixty years often start to attach themselves to the bottle and stop in libations, they no longer want to: the children are grown up, there is nothing to do, so it’s the most to sit with the men on the bench and drown out the rotten alcohol.
Grandfather, when I lived with him, did not drink at all - it was impossible for health. In the days of turbulent musical youth, he was filled up, as if into himself, but stopped drinking from the late nineties. And now, while alcoholic passions were boiling in the courtyard, the grandfather kept his restraint and returned home absolutely sober.
He spent his free time to good use: he studied classical works on the guitar and piano, sang in the local choir and even rode a bicycle - and this was eighty years old. Inspirational old man, nothing to add.
You can borrow money from your grandfather
Plus, coming from the last paragraph. Since my grandfather didn’t drink and he didn’t have much to spend money on, he often lent me small amounts to pay. I regularly paid him, but sometimes it came to the point that he dismissed my money. Say, you are already like my own, leave it to yourself. In this sense, I was principled, but it was nice that the old man treated me like that. But still they say, give a loan - you lose a friend.
Cool grandfather is always happy girls
The problem of any student is where to take the girl after a successful date. Parents usually wait at home, who will not be happy about your romantic adventures, and in the hostel there is an evil guard who will drive away your passion and you in a rage.
Another thing is when you live in a rented apartment or in a room. It is not always possible to negotiate with the landlord about guests of the opposite sex, but if you succeeded, you pulled out a lucky ticket.
I was doubly lucky with my grandfather - he often kicked me out of the apartment so that I would have an affair with some girl, and not sit at the computer for days on end. Before the meeting, he supplied me with money and advice like: "If a woman did not hit you in the face in the first fifteen minutes, you are on the right track." Oddly enough, the council worked like a Swiss watch.
In the area no one will offend you
In whatever Perovsky ghetto you may be, if you live in a rented apartment with a center grandfather, no one will touch you. Local dragdilers bypass you, harsh bandits glance cautiously - no one wants to mess with local Clint Eastwood, your grandfather you know. After all, who knows, maybe he has a hefty Magnum on the mezzanine or, at worst, Nagan, with which he can shoot a couple of trembling knees.
In general, if you think that living with your parents is strange and humiliating for a young boob, think about life with your grandfather. Surely this will be the most correct decision in your life.
Do not insist on a name for the child
You will forever remember the moment when your children told you the good news that soon your family will become larger. This is really great happiness. Another exciting point is the determination of the sex of the child. When you know you will have a grandson or granddaughter, you can start offering options for the name of the child, there is nothing wrong with that. However, in no case do not insist.
Even if you have a family tradition of passing names from generation to generation, this does not mean that your own children will continue it. If you insist on some name, you will actually annoy not only your child, but also his spouse. At best, your suggestions will be ignored. In the worst case, you can be very offended.
Moreover, even if you do not like the name your children have chosen, do not tell them about it. This is their child and their choice. Believe that soon you will get used to it and you won’t imagine that your grandson could have been called otherwise.
Do not tell your children how to raise their children
Even if you think that your children are not suitable for raising your grandchildren, try to keep your opinion to yourself until they ask for your advice. Your job is to be grandparents, not a parent. You must understand that approaches to raising children vary from generation to generation, and your children may act differently than you.
Being a parent is hard work, and most parents are not sure if they are doing the right thing, whether they admit it or not. If you start criticizing them for every little thing, they will begin to distance themselves from you, which can lead to disruption in family relationships. Conversely, the more support they see in your actions, the more they will be open to establishing lasting relationships.
Thus, focus on being positive, and do your best to support young parents. Forget about aggression and criticism, and then you will be the best grandparents.
Be able to say no
The fact that you have grandchildren does not mean that you should spend all your free time with them. Remember that you have your own life and your activities. Therefore, never agree to keep an eye on your grandchildren all day if you really do not want this and if there really is not much need for it. You do not have to spend all your free time with your grandchildren. If you forget about yourself and devote yourself to the kids, you will end up experiencing a sense of resentment.
Thus, if you offer your help or accept the request to follow the babies, set some limits.
When it comes to gifts for grandchildren, the same rules apply. You should not spend more money on toys and other trifles than you can afford. At one time, you have already provided for your children, now your children must provide for theirs. Buy only what your financial means allow you to, think about your financial security and remember that you have your own needs.
The ability to say no to grandparents is very important. This will help you continue to live your life, not just the life of your grandchildren.
Many grandparents seek to obtain the nonexistent title of "Best Grandmother" or "Best Grandfather." In fact, this behavior is completely unacceptable, it will alienate your children from you and may ultimately cause grandchildren to feel pressure and inconvenience.
When you consider your attitude to grandchildren as a competition, this leads to sad consequences. You must understand that one grandmother will be better at baking pies, and the other will be able to sew dresses for dolls, one grandfather will teach you how to ride a bike, and the other - to assemble model ships.
Behave naturally, give the child what you can give him. In fact, the more loving adults surround babies, the more likely they are to succeed in life.
Give your child your sincere love and care - this is what he really needs.
Do not neglect the rules that parents set.
Parents raise their children as they see fit. Of course, education implies some limitations. Mom and dad can forbid the baby to watch cartoons, there are sweets and much more, with which grandparents can not agree. No matter how stupid, strict and wrong the rules set by the parents of your grandchildren may seem to you, you must accept them. You must respect the decision of your children. In addition, your grandchildren should understand that you also support their parents.
Grandparents like to pamper their grandchildren, and if the basic rules are respected, then in some cases, the parents of the kids will be able to close their eyes and smile, watching their baby eat the forbidden candy with pleasure.
Do not be too persistent
No matter how long-awaited your grandchildren may be, do not give in to the desire to constantly see them, come home and impose your communication. Instead, create an environment and relationship so that your children and grandchildren come to you and want to spend as much time with you as possible.
Understand that you will not always be a top priority for your grandchildren. In their life, the time will come when it will be much more interesting for them not with their grandparents who buy ice cream for a walk, but with their friends. It's quite normal. But children should also understand that you love them and are ready to accept them at any time.
Your grandchildren may not notice that you are influencing them, but in the end, most adults say that their best memories of grandparents are that they always felt their love.
Do not criticize parents with grandchildren
Of course, you may not agree with the way your children raise their children, but this does not mean that you have the right to say this to your grandchildren. Children should consider their parents a role model, and if you criticize them, the kids will cease to take them seriously. In addition, you must remember that almost everything that you say about the child’s parents will eventually be repeated to mom and dad, which can cause serious conflict.